High Anxiety

“I’m not an anxious person… I’m not an anxious person…” I chanted to myself perched high atop the aerial hoop in a position like Rose on the bow in The Titanic - except my arms are not out but rather holding the span set above for dear life. I was 10 feet above a thin “crash” mat that would theoretically cushion my fall… that is if I landed on my back versus my neck - “snap.” I was definitely not as carefree as Rose.

I took a long deep calming breath as I took one hand off and firmly gripped the top of hoop. I still wasn’t sure if I would do the trick unassisted. “I’m not an anxious person.”

The trick was called the “Superman” drop. I would let go of the second hand and free fall forward fast. Theoretically I would grab the hoop with that second hand, somersault to end up seated in the hoop.

It was particularly frightening especially since I have mild acrophobia – the fear of heights. I hyperventilate - furtively - when faced with a high view like on the terrace in our apartment 19 floors up. While Mike can go to the edge and look out and down, I keep my distance.

While friends may think I’m fearless, I can be an anxious flyer and suffer from claustrophobia in elevators. If it’s a low floor, I’ll always opt for the stairs. Forget about an MRI machine. While many welcome propofol, I fear anesthesia.

Living in Los Angeles, during my emergency C-section, I feared an earthquake happening distracting the medical team who would disperse while I was awake but paralyzed. My anxiety, for the most part, is limited to things I can’t control – like riding roller coasters, skiing fast and skydiving.

Back at the top of the hoop. Only a few others in the class would attempt the drop unassisted. Assisted is when someone holds your feet until both hands securely grip the top of the hoop - it slows down the drop - a smidge – gravity is still gravity, but the trick feels safer.

Just getting into the perch position is a precarious skill. But I was determined to get into position and do the drop regardless of my anxiety. I rationalized that the teacher wouldn’t teach the skill if it was high risk. But fear isn’t always rational.

I was raised by an anxious hysteric hypochondriac mother who on several occasions was admitted to hospitals for panic attacks. A visit to a doctor was part of her weekly routine. She raised her children with fear.

“Kids get abducted walking on streets alone at night” she warned when I wanted to walk to a friend’s house in the evening. We lived in a sleepy affluent suburban town.

“I don’t care that there are no sidewalks, walk on people’s lawns.” She instructed since she feared we would get hit by a reckless driver walking to school.

“Deviant men lurk in public ladies’ rooms” she cautioned my sister and me.

“Absolutely no water skiing at camp. You could get mangled by a motorboat.”

I was an anxious child as a result.

Back atop the hoop, I was determined to break the family anxiety cycle. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. “I’m flying” I said to myself like Rose.

I let go of the span set with my second hand and the next thing I knew I was seated in the hoop.

I’m not an anxious person!

19% of Americans are anxious. 35-40% of people will experience a panic attack at least once in their lifetime.

On October 10^th, World Mental Health Day, I’m co-producing and performing in a circus variety show where all the artists will share through performance about a time they faced an emotional challenge and how art was part of their healing process. My act is about a time when I was overwhelmed by motherhood that led to debilitating intermittent frightening panic attacks.

It's going to be a powerful and thrilling show featuring some of the best circus talent in New York City. It will be 10/10 & 10/11. A portion of the proceeds will go to NAMI-NYC - National Association for Mental Illness

I hope you’ll join us in person or live-streamed. Tickets